SCENE ONE OFFICE SCENE OPENS WITH FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER. BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN. PRINCIPAL HAVE A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL MISS BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, ITITIT, IS UH PRINCIPAL BREAKS OUT LAUGHING. BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY CARLY AND FRANKLIN START ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. MY FATHERS STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. PRINCIPAL HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME IN CHARGE OF HER! CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER. MISS OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR. YEAH, YOURE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. MISS NO. YOU ARE! HUH? MISS I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE ON SATURDAY! BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY GRABS HER AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO MAIN SCENE OPENS SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW ARE YOU SORRY FOR? KID: FOR SAYING IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND HER EYES. SAM: AND AM I AGAIN? PRETTY AND SWEET. SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT CARLY BY PULLING SAMS HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) HERES AN IDEA. WHAT? CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS! CARLY WALKS TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS PUNISHMENT TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND! CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. WHY ARE YOU MINE? CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. SAM: IM A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE THREE APARTMENT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. FREDDIE: YOU THIS! TAKES THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! OPENS HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: YOURE IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG AROUND THIS PIPE FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS. CARLY: I CANT BELIEVE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE ME STAND UP. CARLY HELPS UP. CARLY: ARE YOU SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC. SPENCER ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP. SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW VIDEOCAMERA. SPENCER: I AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. SPENCER: I IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR PART 1 AUDITIONS OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS? FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. AW, MAN! I DIDNT KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CANT THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA! SAM OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY STUFF AND IM HOME. PICKS UP HIS CAMERA. CARLY: (IN A VOICE) PLEASE STAY! PUTS HIS CAMERA DOWN. OKAY. SCENE PART 2 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION? JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: WE DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB PUTS A ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS OFF. JEB: WHERE CAN I FIND HER? JEB HIS MUSTACHE ON. JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. SAM: YA THINK? CARLY: I KNOW! SAM: YOU KNOW? CARLY: I YOU I DO NOT KNOW! BUT YOU MUST KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT SAM: I KNOW. SCENE FOUR 3 AUDITIONS ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. SCENE FOUR 4 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE ON THIS POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! JUMP AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR PART 6 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM START WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. SAM: NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM WALKS TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOYS AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT MISS BRIGGS POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY. (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE? CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) ITS SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE GOT (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. OOH! ELEVEN? CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT GET WORSE. SCENE FOUR PART 5 AUDITIONS SCENE OPENS KID RAPPING HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE APARTMENT AT NIGHT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) HEY, SAM? WAKE UP! CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAMS AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: WHAT IS IT? CARLY: LATE. WHENS YOURE MOM TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO THE NIGHT. CARLY: I DIDNT INVITE YOU TO THE NIGHT! WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING. WHATCHA DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW IN HER PURSE CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME AT THIS! SAM OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? CARLY: NO. HE US! WHAT? LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. SAM: US! SURE IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER POINTY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES ANYONE CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. CARLY: SAM: CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.