SCENE ONE PRINCIPALS SCENE WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM. MISS BRIGGS: SHE IS OUTSIDE. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LETS HAVE A LITTLE TALK HER. MISS CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW. MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY IN. FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT. CARLY WALKS OVER TO A IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKINS DESK AND SITS IN IT. FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. YES, I DID. MISS PUNK! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: BRIGGS! BRIGGS: IM CALM. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, FLYER, ITITIT, IS UMI-ITS UH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN OUT LAUGHING. MISS BRIGGS: ITS NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS? WELL, I PRINCIPAL RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS. CARLY: NO, NO. SHES A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT. PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE HAD FAT THIGHS? CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU REALLY TELL CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN ARGUING. MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS. CARLY: MY FATHERS STATIONED IN RIGHT NOW. FRANKLIN: HES IN THE MILITARY. MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER! CARLY: MY BROTHER, SPENCER. BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST. CARLY: HES A ARTIST! PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DONT WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. IM SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT? MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW YEAR. CARLY: YEAH, YOURE THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY. BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE! CARLY: MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME. MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A AND CARLY TAKES IT. CARLY: NO! IM GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY! MISS NOT ANYMORE. CARLY: AW, ON! BRIGGS: ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS. RHINOCEROS. MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND TO THE DOOR) GET OUT! RIGHT. CARLY HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO HALLWAY SCENE OPENS SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER. LET ME GO! SAM: SAY SORRY! IM SORRY. SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY KID: FOR YOURE IGGRESIVE! SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES. AND WHAT AM I AGAIN? KID: AND SWEET. SAM: YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAMS OVER TO HER LOCKER. OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR! (ANGRY) HI! SAM: DID YOU GET IN CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CANT BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU! SAM: YOU HAD TO! IVE ALREADY BEEN ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULDVE EXPELLED ME. CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL AN IDEA. SAM: CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP BAD THINGS! CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER AND SAM FOLLOWS. HEY, CHILL-AX! CARLY: I WILL NOT CHILL-AX. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW. NO WAY, GROSS. CARLY: SORRY. ITS MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW ITS YOUR TOO! ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV. CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD. SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FRIEND! CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU CARLY INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN. SAM: BECAUSE IM A PERSON!
THREE CARLYS APARTMENT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLYS FACE. YOU DROPPED THIS! CARLY THE WATER BOTTLE. UH, THANKS. BUT YOU FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDNT FIND YOU. HEY! CARLY: FREDDIE, YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME? (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO! FREDDIE. YES. CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOUVE GOTTA GET THIS CRUSH THING. FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. IM IN LOVE YOU, YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND IM TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN. OH GOD. CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND. FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE AUDITIONS. CARLY: YEAH, BUT ILL USE MY BROTHERS. FREDDIE OUT HIS PHONE. FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS. CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW PHONE. FREDDIE: YOU CAN IT! CARLY OPENS HER AND RUNS INSIDE. IM HOME. HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE. CARLY UP AT THE CEILING. SPENCER: IM TAKING PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE! SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND A PICTURE. CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF BOTTLES, ITD BE WEIRD. SPENCER: SAYING IM ABNORMAL? CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU HURT YOURSELF! SPENCER: NO WORRIES. IVE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND PIPE SPENCER FALLS ON THE AND SCREAMS. I CANT BELIEVE YOURE IN CHARGE OF ME. SPENCER: PLEASE ME STAND UP. CARLY SPENCER UP. ARE YOU ALRIGHT? SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY AGAIN. ONE SEC. FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP. SPENCER: YEP! FIXED HER. CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I A FAVOR. SHOOT. CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY. FUN! CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. SPENCER: I AWESOME! THOUGH, I CANT. CARLY: WHY SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THATS TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL. I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE PART 1 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE. CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT WOULD BE LOCKEDYOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THEOH MY GOD! CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP. MORNING, CARLY. SEE YA IN A SEC. CARLY UP. FREDDIE! FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL FREDDIE: WELL, THATS A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE! FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR. SAM: HEY, YOU THE DOOF! SAM! FREDDIE TRAY ON TABLE. FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE! SHE, FREDDIE. IM A SHE, AS IN GIRL. BARELY. OOOHHH! FREDDIE: YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT. SO YOU MEAN I CANT TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER? FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE GO MAGENTA! SAM WALKS OVER TO AND CLEARS HER THROAT. SAM: WILL NEVER LOVE YOU FREDDIE: OKAY. THATS IT. IM TAKING MY AND IM GOING HOME. FREDDIE UP HIS CAMERA. (IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY! FREDDIE PUTS HIS DOWN. OKAY. SCENE FOUR PART 2 ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE. CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO JEB: YEAH. I BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED LE U E MAPHEME. SAM: CARLY: WE DONT WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING? FREDDIE ON HIS CAMERA. ROLLING. JEB: BACK, BACK, DID SHE GO? JEB PUTS A ON. I DONT KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. JEB: WILL SHE BE BACK? JEB PUTS HIS ON. JEB: I KNOW! JEB HIS MUSTACHE OFF. WELL WHERE CAN I FIND HER? JEB PUTS HIS ON. JEB: I YOU, I DO NOT KNOW! JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP HE WALKS OFFSTAGE. SAM: WHAT YA I DONT KNOW! SAM: YOU DONT I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW! SAM: BUT YOU KNOW! CARLY: HOW CAN I IF I DO NOT KNOW? SAM: I KNOW. SCENE FOUR PART 3 ROOM. SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP. SCENE FOUR 4 AUDITIONS ROOM OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED. TARAN: I BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET. COOL. NICE. TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON POGO-STICK. TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP. NICE! CARLY: NOW THATS IM TALKING ABOUT! JUMP AND BLOW-HO! SCENE FOUR 6 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE. KID: THE MOM SAYS WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN? AND THEN THE DOG I LIKE DA EGGS! HA, HA, HA! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE. THANKS! CARLY AND SAM LAUGHING. SAM: NOT FUNNY. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL. SAM OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP. SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE DISCUSS THE BOYS HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS! CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESNT BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS TO CARLY. SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH (STILL LAUGHING) ITS LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA! SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS! CARLY: OKAY. THATS ENOUGH. WEVE STILL GOT (CARLY PAPER) ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE. OOH! ELEVEN? CARLY: DOWN. IT CANT GET WORSE. SCENE PART 5 AUDITIONS ROOM SCENE OPENS WITH KID HORRIBLY. AND I WAS WRONG. SCENE FIVE APARTMENT AT NIGHT SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY UP. CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, WAKE UP! CARLY HER FOOT ON SAMS FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS. SAM: WHAT IS IT? CARLY: LATE. YOURE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP? SAM: SHES NOT. I TOLD HER YOU ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT. CARLY: I DIDNT YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT! WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ IM NOT LEAVING. CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND TYPING. SAM: DOIN? CARLY: IM CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HED UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE. SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON? (YELLING) NO! SAM: OH, YES. PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS! SAM WALKS TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: FREDDIE DIDNT UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS? CARLY: NO. HE US! WHAT? LOOK! SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM FUN OF MISS BRIGGS CRAZY POINTY BOOBS. THATS US! CARLY: IS! SAM: FREDDIE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY! LOOKS SCARED. CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS! SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES CARLY: CAN SEE IT! ITS ON SLPASHFACE. OKAY, CHILL-AX. SAM AT THE COMPUTER. SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT. OH. OKAY, GOOD. CARLY AT THE COMPUTER. SAM? SAM: CARLY: (YELLING) 27,000! SAM OUT OF CHAIR.